The Stepford Wives (1975)

I don't know whether it's an age thing, but I am not a fan of remakes. I can't even say whether or not I like them, because I simply can't bring myself to watch them.

A prime example is "The Stepford Wives" (1975). Walter Eberhart (Peter Masterson) moves his wife Joanna (Katharine Ross) and two kids (including a young Mary Stuart Masterson) out of the big, bad city, to the quiet suburb of Stepford, Conn., where time seems to have stopped somewhere in the 1950s. The men all seem happy as hell (turns out, with good reason) and the wives seem, well, weird. They cook and clean as if they were expecting a surprise inspection from Good Housekeeping, and don't seem to have any interests (or lives, for that matter) of their own. Joanna wasn't thrilled about leaving her full life in the city behind and is less thrilled that Walter seems accepting, even approving, of the women of Stepford embracing their roles as "traditional" wives.

Another newcomer to Stepford, Bobbie (Paula Prentiss), and Joanna bond over their mutual puzzlement, and try to lure the other wives out of their domesticity - with little success. Charmaine (Tina Louise) is the only other Stepford wife who does her own thing (tennis) and expresses feelings and opinions about things other than cleaning products and fabric softener. But she goes off for a weekend with her husband and returns a brand-new woman. Suddenly the tennis court is out and the kitchen is her favorite place to be. Any dissatisfaction she had with her marriage has evaporated. It's bewildering and, in this "Stepford Wives," more than a little creepy. By the time Joanna slooooowly realizes what's really going on - that the men of Stepford are swapping out their all-too-human wives for perfect (OK, better endowed) replicas that have no opinions, never disagree, and cook and clean (and screw) on autopilot - it's too late.

The 2004 remake, starring Matthew Broderick and Nicole Kidman as Walter and Joanna Eberhart and Bette Midler as Joanna's friend Bobbie, tells the same story in a humorous way, with a less depressing ending. At least, that's what I think. The thing is, I've never actually watched all of it. I only caught the end of it one day when I was channel surfing, and it didn't make me want to watch it from the beginning.